The New Kids

The New Kids is a 1985 revenge picture directed by Sean S. Cunningham of Friday the 13th fame, and written by Maggie Gyllenhaal's Dad. It stars Lori Loughlin and Shannon Presby as a brother and sister whose parents are killed in a car accident, so they are shipped off to live with their wacky uncle at his run down amusement park in Florida. You can see the site of the park as it stands today here. This marks Mr Presby's only foray into feature film. Also of note - Lori Laughlin never shows her boobs despite an R rating and a shower scene that was perfect for boob showing. As a matter of fact, you don't get any boobs at all in the whole damn movie. It's a shame really, because nothing makes a good movie gooder like some boobs. That's a film making rule of thumb. The picture opens with Lori Laughlin getting woken up by her dad saying that she needs to get her "sexy little body" out of bed, which is pretty fucking creepy. Turns out that they are just the kind of regular all American family where Dad wakes the kids up at the crack of dawn and has them do military drills. Strangely, the kids seem to love this shit. We get a pretty sweet montage of running around and hitting punching bags and then the next thing you know dear old mom and dad have been killed in a car accident. OH NOES! WHAT TO DO?! Well there is only one thing you can do - ship the kids off to the weird uncle with the broken down amusement park. After a long ride on a greyhound bus the kids arrive at their Uncle's place where they get settled down in their new home - a barn on the midway. They get started right away at helping their Aunt and Uncle work on opening the Amusement park. There are about 97 montages of workin' and tomfoolery. After all that nonsense the kids start at their new High School. At school, things really start to get rolling. We meet Eric Stoltz as friendly Eric Stoltz kind of guy, and we meet James Spader as Dutra - the town menace! Dutra has an awesome blond hairdo, and some sweet floral print western shirts, and a gang of inbred ruffians that follow him around. He has an extraordinarily rapey vibe. It isn't that it seems like he will just rape Lori Loughlin, it's more like he is going to rape the whole town. Men, women, children, picnic tables, whatever. He is gonna do it. He also drives a sweet custom van. I love this villain. At some point Dutra and his crew make a bet on who will bed Lori Loughlin first. Back at the Amusement park / gas station, Lori Laughlin is manning the pumps when who rolls in but Dutra in his awesome fuck truck. He asks her to the dance and she has the gall to say no! Dutra is all "WHO THE FUCK??!" and vows to rape the entire Miami metro area. It is ON! So from here on out Dutra and his gang start fucking with the amusement park, vandalizing wacky uncles Cadillac, and causing general mayhem. Amidst all of this, Lori Loughlin's brother notices that the sheriff's daughter has some neat boobs, but we don't get to see those either. Lame. The bullying gets crazier and crazier and eventually hits a FEVER PITCH! Oh boy! This actually makes up the bulk of the movie. The Dance finally arrives and Dutra is so mad! Hoppin mad! He and the gang try to show Lori Loughlin love the only way they know how - by kidnapping her, dousing her in lighter fluid, and attempting to set her on fire. I must have stopped paying attention for a bit because I'm not really sure what happens next, but they all end up back at the amusement park with wacky uncle being covered in chicken blood so they can unleash a pit bull on him. They also take off Lori's pants and stuff. This causes uncle to flip the fuck out and everything goes crazy. People are shot! A guy who looks just like Judah Friedlander gets his face bit off by a pitbull! There's blood all over the place! The mayhem eventually makes its' way to the midway where Dutra's gang meet their untimely demise one after another in Amusement Ride carnage. Death on the bumper cars! Death in the house of mirrors! It all brings us to a tense standoff between the brother and Dutra at the gas pumps. Eventually Dutra meets his maker at the end of a flaming gas nozzle. Oh the humanity! After all this it flashes ahead a few weeks and wacky Uncle is actually alive! The amusement park is a success because everyone loves that all these people died there! Everything is great and Lori and her brother declare it to be their forever home. Yay!!! Everything will be OK!!!!! Or will it???? I enjoyed this movie quite a bit and I was surprised that I had never seen it before. James Spader is a FANTASTIC douche as Dutra. The only thing it was missing is T&A, which could easily have been shoehorned in there. Oh well - can't win em all. The closing shot clearly sets things up for a sequel which was never made. A shame, really.

Dutra Megamix!

Is this thing on?

So despite a 2 and a half year hiatus, I'm getting over a hundred hits a day on this. Weird. Also: Why don't you fuckers leave a comment once in a while, for cyrin out loud.

Paradise

Paradise is a fanfuckingtastic pile of crap. It is a Blue Lagoon clone made a couple years later with a few key changes. Number one: Phoebe Cates. Brooke Shields is good and all, but what people really want is Phoebe Cates. Naked. A LOT. Number Two: Willie Ames. People want a well oiled, loin cloth wearing Willie Ames with occasional full frontal nudity. These two key changes are a fine foundation for this craptacular tour de force. We kind of fast forwarded through the first part of the movie, but it begins in some kind of desert market - I have no idea what happens but it results in a group of arab dudes chasing Phoebe and Willie through the desert. They outrun the arabs and Phoebe Cates takes a really long really naked shower. Eventually they find an Oasis in the desert and Willie builds them a goddamn split level ranch or some shit. Suddenly they have pots and pans, furniture, all kinds of stuff. And chimps. There are chimps in the desert. There is also grass and ocean and deciduous trees. Everyone gets naked some more and then the monkey makes fun of Willie for beating off. Then Willie and Phoebe wicked do it a lot. Next thing we know Phoebe is up the pole and the Arabs are back chasing them through the desert. Then the chimps have a baby, which is inexplicably a baboon. Uhm, so there is running and stuff and then Willie Ames kills the arab dude. After that they get to the ocean and see a city in the distance. Then Phoebe Cates sings the theme from Paradise and it is haunting. On a side note, teenybopper singer "Kaci" covered the theme in 2001. I loved this goddamn pile of shit.

My Tutor

My Tutor is a boobie movie. You have a handsome rich kid who has a fake Ted Knight kinda guy for a dad who just MUST have his boy go to Yale. Now the boy is failing french so the dad hires "the best freelance french tutor in the city" to get him up to speed over summer break. Hijynx ensue with a cast of characters including Mr Crispin Hellion Glover as the dork so dorky, he cant even get laid in a whorehouse. There are boobs a plenty including an appearance by Miss Kitten Natividad. The only real problem is that the movie tries to be "touching" and it gets in the way of the shenanigans and teh boobz. Not bad.

Foxes

Foxes. Jodie Foster, Scott Baio, and the singer of The Runaways in a Teens outta control exploitation pic? Should be fantastic, yes? Unfortunately it is not. It ain't bad, it's just dull dull dull. It lacks all of the awesome over the top-ness of Times Square or Over The Edge. The kids are a little wild, but they are really pretty average. There is some drugs and drinking, and an ugly ducking nailing a too old guy, but none of it is all that different from real life. Jodie looks cute, but thats about all this movie has going for it.

1-12-10 - The Wild Life

So once again I sit down to watch a movie I've never seen before only to remember that I have, and in the case of The Wild Life I have seen it many many times. This was sort of a follow up to Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It was written by Cameron Crowe and has a different, but similar cast (Eric Stoltz, Chris Penn, Lea Thompson, that kid who played Wyatt in Weird Science...). The movie takes place during the last week of summer following the exploits of some shenanigan having teens. Basically Cameron Crowe tried to redo everything that was successful in Fast Times and instead of a hit he has something thats just kind of dull. It's not horrible, and there are a few good bits, but overall its' pretty meh. One thing that sucks is the Eddie Van Halen score - throughout the entire movie there is Eddie Van Halen wacking off with a guitar - just endless nonsensical solos and crap. Also - There is a weird subplot with Randy Quaid as a junkie vietnam vet that seems completely out of place and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. There were a few good things, namely the awesome fucking mustache that the cop who is banging Lea Thompson has, and Kitten Natividad nekkid in the strip club scene. Kitten Natividad has professional grade boobs. The lady dated Russ Meyers for 15 years, so obviously this is an accomplished naked lady who knows a thing or two about boobs. Uhm. I guess thats about it. Fair to Middling!

1-9-10 All The Right Moves & Breaking All the Rules

After watching First Born I thought I'd like to take a stab at another drama and watch All The Right Moves. Bad idea. Tom Cruise plays a (straight) guy in a sleepy PA steel town named AMPIPE after the local, uh, Pipe Company. So Tom is some fancy high school football guy and he hangs out with Christopher Penn and they do awesome guy stuff like dance in their jockstraps and stuff. Like the way guys do. Anyhow, there is some big game or something and a girl that gets pissy when Tom tries to date rape her. I'm not really sure what else happens. After a while I realized that I didnt care about any of the characters or AMPIPE or the big game and I turned it off. I'm pretty sure that at some point you get to see Lea Thompsons boobs which seems like it would be neat, but not neat enough for me to keep watching. Dull.

After getting bored by the lack of antics with Tom I decided that what we needed was something more Canadian, so we tried the 1985 classic Breaking All the Rules. Breaking All the Rules is about 4 teenage kids trying to LIVE IT UP on the last day of summer break by hanging out at an Amusement Park and falling in love and stuff. There is also a subplot involving a diamond heist and buffoonery. Rules broken include: Looking up girls skirts, getting a punk rock haircut, wearing a mask that makes your nose look like a penis, applying a pasty to a strippers nose, and driving a large automated vacuum cart like a racecar. There are some boobs, some bad jokes, some bumbling crooks, and a lot of amusement rides. The plot gets tired after a while, but overall I enjoyed the hijynx.