1-6-2010 - First Born

This is a movie that I had seen before but totally forgotten about until we started watching it. The 1980's had a lot of great fads - Legwarmers, louver sunglasses, feathered haircuts, and best of all - Divorce! People LOVED to get Divorced in the 80's. In suburbs all across America Dads were taking off and returning only on the weekends when they would pick you up in their LeBaron and take you to Showbiz Pizza with some lady named Carrol who wore too much perfume and called you "Honey" a lot. It was great! Best of all Dad would feel guilty and buy you all sorts of stupid shit and sometimes have too many bud lights and then cry. First Born is a movie that was made to cash in on the divorce craze. We have a mom played by Teri Garr and a couple boys played by Christopher Collett and Corey Haim (totally not my favorite Corey). For some reason the tone of the family as well as the house kind of reminds me of ET. Teri Garr gets peeved that her ex husband is getting re married so she goes out and picks up Peter Weller. There is an uncomfortable scene where the kids come home early and realize that Robocop is boning their mom. Lame. After a while we find out that Peter Weller isnt just douchey, he's a coke head! He even has a special pinball machine that he does coke off of. He ends up moving in to the house and is a total dick. Now the movie is kind of like ET if you replace the loveable alien with an abusive boyfriend. On the upside he gives the older brother a sweet dirtbike. There is a decent amount of actual strife and drama and then it all gets retarded. The actual drama of mom's abusive boyfriend turns into schlocky made for TV suspense and culminates in a crazy chase scene. Older Brother hides the cocaine stash so Peter Weller chases him in his crazy jacked up Chevy Blazer with a lot of KC lights. Older Brother is driving his dirtbike and there is suspense and chasing and truck and dirtbike. In the end evil boyfriend catches the older brother kid and they beat the crap out of each other and then fucking Corey Haim shows up with a baseball bat and everyone is saved and Teri Garr realizes what a cock this guy is. The End.

1-5-2010 - Times Square

Punk Fucking Rock. This is a really fun movie. Times Square is about a rich girl and a street urchin who escape from a mental hospital and become outlaws on the run in 1980 NYC. Pam (trini alvarado) is a quiet rich kid who is sick of her politician dad being a phony. Nicky (robin johnson) is a punk girl from the streets who doesnt give a fuck. They become a sensation around town and start being mentioned by Tim Curry on his way too cool radio show. There are some fantastic shots of pre-sanitized NYC as the girls hang out in strip clubs on 42'nd street and run through porn theatres while being chased by the cops. The soundtrack is fantastic. They start calling themselves "The Sleez Sisters" and with the help of the house band at the strip club where Pam dances they go on Tim Curry's radio show and play some great punk songs. This is actually a really decent movie that does a great job of capturing that punk rock anger that you get from all the fuckup punk kids. There is a lesbian vibe between Pam and Nicky that is never really addressed - From what I have read it was a much more prominent part of the movie and was cut out by the studio after they fired the director. The movie is a little uneven and you can tell that there are some big chunks missing. Regardless, it is very enjoyable. A double feature of this and Over The Edge would be a near perfect punk rock movie night.

1/4/2010 - Private Lessons

Private Lessons - The first of the "Private" films, this is really something. A wealthy teenage boy is left alone for a few weeks while his dad is out of town. At first he hangs out with his awesome fat kid friend, Sherman. Sherman talks about "knockers" a lot and does an awesome hula demonstration while wearing swimming trunks and flippers. It's pretty fantastic. Back at the rich kids house there is his chauffeur, Howard Hesseman, and his new hot housekeeper, Sylvia fucking Kristel. Sylvia Kristel starts coming on to him and we are forced to witness many cringe inducing sex scenes between a barely pubescent 15 year old boy and a 30 year old woman. It is creepy and weird and unsettling. Also: Boobs. Sylvia Kristel is the end all be all of Cinemax After Dark naked ladies and this is one of her few American films. Anyway, when they finally "do it" Sylvia Kristal dies and the chauffeur and the kid bury her in the yard. But the next morning the body is gone! OH NOES! Chauffeur has the kid get $10k from his dads safe - We then find that Chauffeur and Sylvia are in cahoots! CAHOOTS!! Anyhow, the kid does the obvious thing and gets his tennis coach, Ed Begley Jr, to pretend to be a bad ass cop and really lay into Howard Hesseman. It's a good thing he has a really intimidating dude like Ed at his disposal. Also - Sylvia Kristel lets the kid know that even though she was in cahoots, she's still WAY into boning him. Then there's a car chase. And eventually we capture Howard Hesseman at the airport and get dad's money back. At the end the kid asks his teacher out on a date because he is now big pimpin.

This is a top notch weird fucking movie. I don't know how it ever got made, never mind having had a theatrical run. Great Boobs, unsettling plot, and a really swank 70's mansion. Total Package.

1/3/2010 - Screwballs and Private Resort

So we started off with Screwballs. This is a Troma Films caliber T&A fest about a high school. Im not sure if there is any actual plot beyond it being a high school. If you do something inappropriate (IE: Get caught beating off in the walk in fridge) the word DETENTION is flashed on the screen. Then there are more boobs. It was shot on 16mm and the print is really kind of scratchy and worn looking. Terrible, but mildly entertaining to have on in the background at a party or something.

We decide to continue our theme with the slightly more high caliber Private Resort. This is the 3rd entry of Producer R.Ben Ephraim's "Private" trilogy. Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp are at a Resort and they get into trouble. There are boobs. A little fat kid fishes for bikini tops. Problems arise when they give Hector Elizondo a bad haircut. He chases them into an aerobics class and there is hilarity. Then they somehow end up with Andrew Clay(sans "dice")'s girlfriend. The diceman is STEAMED! Then there are boobs and everyone runs down the same hallway 400 times. Also: Johnny Depp's bare ass. Oscarworthy.

1/2/2010 - Private School, Pirate Movie, Porky's

Private School - This was a solid 80's sex comedy. Starring Phoebe Cates and Mathew Modine, the plot is minimal and has something to do with a Private School. It features an enormous number of boobs beginning right at the opening credits, which is always the sign of a good movie. Other key points are guys in drag, a shitty school dance, and Ray Walston as a chauffeur whose Rolls Royce ends up in a swimming pool. This is a serviceable film.



After private school I tried to switch things up a little with The Pirate Movie. Sweet fucking Christ what an atrocity! I thought it would be more of a "so bad its good" affair, but it's just awful. Christy McNichol and Christopher Atkins star in a Pirate musical that never quite reaches the high level of showmanship that one might expect from a high school play. Horrible! We had to kill this one about 10-15mins in. Bad.


I thought that we would return to the boob theme with Porky's. This is another movie that I can't believe I had never seen before. When I was in grade school this was the holy grail of dirty movies. I had heard great stories of boobs and butts and shenanigans. I have even read reviews online heralding this as the greatest T&A 80's film ever, so I had high hopes. As it turns out, this movie sucks. It is unfunny, has a vague plot (guys are horny, get thrown out of strip club, wreck strip club) and barely any boobs at all. It succeeds on no levels. Private School was 100 times better and even that wasn't all that great. Total letdown.

1/1/2010 - The Last American Virgin

I have no idea how I had missed this movie. Its awesome.

The Last American Virgin is a 1982 American remake of the 1978 Israeli film Eskimo Limon (aka Lemon Popscicle). Lemon Popscicle was an enormous worldwide hit - so much so that the producers were able to leverage their earnings from it to help buy Cannon Films, which released The Last American Virgin and all sorts of other low budget films through the 80's.

The plot is a combination of boobs, shenanigans, and touching coming of age moments. The movie is a little schizophrenic with scenes of sex comedy silliness giving way to scenes of unrequited love. It feels more substantial than a lot of other films of the genre and is more like Fast Times at Ridgemont High and less like Porky's. Eskimo Limon was set in the early 60's and since this is almost a shot for shot remake some of the original time period bleeds through (IE: Scenes in maltshops, necking in convertibles, etc...) The T&A quotient is still pretty high even managing to get nudity into an abortion scene. Who thought that was OK?

The one thing that really separates The Last American Virgin from other similar films is that it has a completely sad and depressing ending. I really loved this movie.

12/31/09 - Little Darlings, My Body Guard, and TEX

So what started this all off was a desire to watch the Tatum O'Neil/Kristy McNichol classic Little Darlings on New Years Eve. This is because I am a wildman and I really know how to party. I decided to up the ante and add My Body Guard and Tex to the mix because I'm a 34 year old straight guy who has Matt Dillon film festivals on New Years Eve. Party. Normally I would have opted to include Over The Edge, but I have seen it a few times recently and wanted to keep things fresh.

First up was Little Darlings. A timeless tale of teenage girls trying to get laid at summer camp. This movie features a stolen school bus, a stolen condom machine, and Matt Dillon wearing awesome mesh 1/2 shirts. I had seen it on television about 900 times as a kid and it holds up remarkably well. Great coming of age trash. Look for Cynthia Nixon from Sex & The City as "Sunshine" the hippy girl.

Next was My Bodyguard - This is one of those movies that I remember being on HBO a lot in the middle of the afternoon, but I dont think I ever actually saw. Our hero is played by Chris Makepeace who is a funny looking kid that lives in a fancy hotel that his dad, fucking Martin Mull, manages. His grandmother, Ruth Gordon in all her Harold & Maude glory, is a saucey older lady who boozes it up and attempts to pick up married men in the lounge. Anyhow, Chris Makepeace transfers to a public school where Matt Dillon fucks with him. He gets sick of being fucked with and hires the school bully, Adam Baldwin, to protect him from Matt Dillon. Shenanigans ensue and it turns out that Adam Baldwin is the child killer with a heart of gold. At the end Matt Dillon gets his ass kicked and everyone lives happily ever after. This is actually a pretty decent movie and I really enjoyed it. A little sappy, but a decent underdog story.

Our third presentation was Tex which is an adaptation of an SE Hinton novel. Matt Dillon is a rebellious teenager that lives with his older (teenage) brother in Oklahoma and has touching coming of age moments. I fell asleep about 1/2 through it, but I enjoyed it well enough. Warm fuzzy 80's family drama.