Is this thing on?

So despite a 2 and a half year hiatus, I'm getting over a hundred hits a day on this. Weird. Also: Why don't you fuckers leave a comment once in a while, for cyrin out loud.

Paradise

Paradise is a fanfuckingtastic pile of crap. It is a Blue Lagoon clone made a couple years later with a few key changes. Number one: Phoebe Cates. Brooke Shields is good and all, but what people really want is Phoebe Cates. Naked. A LOT. Number Two: Willie Ames. People want a well oiled, loin cloth wearing Willie Ames with occasional full frontal nudity. These two key changes are a fine foundation for this craptacular tour de force. We kind of fast forwarded through the first part of the movie, but it begins in some kind of desert market - I have no idea what happens but it results in a group of arab dudes chasing Phoebe and Willie through the desert. They outrun the arabs and Phoebe Cates takes a really long really naked shower. Eventually they find an Oasis in the desert and Willie builds them a goddamn split level ranch or some shit. Suddenly they have pots and pans, furniture, all kinds of stuff. And chimps. There are chimps in the desert. There is also grass and ocean and deciduous trees. Everyone gets naked some more and then the monkey makes fun of Willie for beating off. Then Willie and Phoebe wicked do it a lot. Next thing we know Phoebe is up the pole and the Arabs are back chasing them through the desert. Then the chimps have a baby, which is inexplicably a baboon. Uhm, so there is running and stuff and then Willie Ames kills the arab dude. After that they get to the ocean and see a city in the distance. Then Phoebe Cates sings the theme from Paradise and it is haunting. On a side note, teenybopper singer "Kaci" covered the theme in 2001. I loved this goddamn pile of shit.

My Tutor

My Tutor is a boobie movie. You have a handsome rich kid who has a fake Ted Knight kinda guy for a dad who just MUST have his boy go to Yale. Now the boy is failing french so the dad hires "the best freelance french tutor in the city" to get him up to speed over summer break. Hijynx ensue with a cast of characters including Mr Crispin Hellion Glover as the dork so dorky, he cant even get laid in a whorehouse. There are boobs a plenty including an appearance by Miss Kitten Natividad. The only real problem is that the movie tries to be "touching" and it gets in the way of the shenanigans and teh boobz. Not bad.

Foxes

Foxes. Jodie Foster, Scott Baio, and the singer of The Runaways in a Teens outta control exploitation pic? Should be fantastic, yes? Unfortunately it is not. It ain't bad, it's just dull dull dull. It lacks all of the awesome over the top-ness of Times Square or Over The Edge. The kids are a little wild, but they are really pretty average. There is some drugs and drinking, and an ugly ducking nailing a too old guy, but none of it is all that different from real life. Jodie looks cute, but thats about all this movie has going for it.

1-12-10 - The Wild Life

So once again I sit down to watch a movie I've never seen before only to remember that I have, and in the case of The Wild Life I have seen it many many times. This was sort of a follow up to Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It was written by Cameron Crowe and has a different, but similar cast (Eric Stoltz, Chris Penn, Lea Thompson, that kid who played Wyatt in Weird Science...). The movie takes place during the last week of summer following the exploits of some shenanigan having teens. Basically Cameron Crowe tried to redo everything that was successful in Fast Times and instead of a hit he has something thats just kind of dull. It's not horrible, and there are a few good bits, but overall its' pretty meh. One thing that sucks is the Eddie Van Halen score - throughout the entire movie there is Eddie Van Halen wacking off with a guitar - just endless nonsensical solos and crap. Also - There is a weird subplot with Randy Quaid as a junkie vietnam vet that seems completely out of place and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. There were a few good things, namely the awesome fucking mustache that the cop who is banging Lea Thompson has, and Kitten Natividad nekkid in the strip club scene. Kitten Natividad has professional grade boobs. The lady dated Russ Meyers for 15 years, so obviously this is an accomplished naked lady who knows a thing or two about boobs. Uhm. I guess thats about it. Fair to Middling!

1-9-10 All The Right Moves & Breaking All the Rules

After watching First Born I thought I'd like to take a stab at another drama and watch All The Right Moves. Bad idea. Tom Cruise plays a (straight) guy in a sleepy PA steel town named AMPIPE after the local, uh, Pipe Company. So Tom is some fancy high school football guy and he hangs out with Christopher Penn and they do awesome guy stuff like dance in their jockstraps and stuff. Like the way guys do. Anyhow, there is some big game or something and a girl that gets pissy when Tom tries to date rape her. I'm not really sure what else happens. After a while I realized that I didnt care about any of the characters or AMPIPE or the big game and I turned it off. I'm pretty sure that at some point you get to see Lea Thompsons boobs which seems like it would be neat, but not neat enough for me to keep watching. Dull.

After getting bored by the lack of antics with Tom I decided that what we needed was something more Canadian, so we tried the 1985 classic Breaking All the Rules. Breaking All the Rules is about 4 teenage kids trying to LIVE IT UP on the last day of summer break by hanging out at an Amusement Park and falling in love and stuff. There is also a subplot involving a diamond heist and buffoonery. Rules broken include: Looking up girls skirts, getting a punk rock haircut, wearing a mask that makes your nose look like a penis, applying a pasty to a strippers nose, and driving a large automated vacuum cart like a racecar. There are some boobs, some bad jokes, some bumbling crooks, and a lot of amusement rides. The plot gets tired after a while, but overall I enjoyed the hijynx.

1-6-2010 - First Born

This is a movie that I had seen before but totally forgotten about until we started watching it. The 1980's had a lot of great fads - Legwarmers, louver sunglasses, feathered haircuts, and best of all - Divorce! People LOVED to get Divorced in the 80's. In suburbs all across America Dads were taking off and returning only on the weekends when they would pick you up in their LeBaron and take you to Showbiz Pizza with some lady named Carrol who wore too much perfume and called you "Honey" a lot. It was great! Best of all Dad would feel guilty and buy you all sorts of stupid shit and sometimes have too many bud lights and then cry. First Born is a movie that was made to cash in on the divorce craze. We have a mom played by Teri Garr and a couple boys played by Christopher Collett and Corey Haim (totally not my favorite Corey). For some reason the tone of the family as well as the house kind of reminds me of ET. Teri Garr gets peeved that her ex husband is getting re married so she goes out and picks up Peter Weller. There is an uncomfortable scene where the kids come home early and realize that Robocop is boning their mom. Lame. After a while we find out that Peter Weller isnt just douchey, he's a coke head! He even has a special pinball machine that he does coke off of. He ends up moving in to the house and is a total dick. Now the movie is kind of like ET if you replace the loveable alien with an abusive boyfriend. On the upside he gives the older brother a sweet dirtbike. There is a decent amount of actual strife and drama and then it all gets retarded. The actual drama of mom's abusive boyfriend turns into schlocky made for TV suspense and culminates in a crazy chase scene. Older Brother hides the cocaine stash so Peter Weller chases him in his crazy jacked up Chevy Blazer with a lot of KC lights. Older Brother is driving his dirtbike and there is suspense and chasing and truck and dirtbike. In the end evil boyfriend catches the older brother kid and they beat the crap out of each other and then fucking Corey Haim shows up with a baseball bat and everyone is saved and Teri Garr realizes what a cock this guy is. The End.