1/4/2010 - Private Lessons

Private Lessons - The first of the "Private" films, this is really something. A wealthy teenage boy is left alone for a few weeks while his dad is out of town. At first he hangs out with his awesome fat kid friend, Sherman. Sherman talks about "knockers" a lot and does an awesome hula demonstration while wearing swimming trunks and flippers. It's pretty fantastic. Back at the rich kids house there is his chauffeur, Howard Hesseman, and his new hot housekeeper, Sylvia fucking Kristel. Sylvia Kristel starts coming on to him and we are forced to witness many cringe inducing sex scenes between a barely pubescent 15 year old boy and a 30 year old woman. It is creepy and weird and unsettling. Also: Boobs. Sylvia Kristel is the end all be all of Cinemax After Dark naked ladies and this is one of her few American films. Anyway, when they finally "do it" Sylvia Kristal dies and the chauffeur and the kid bury her in the yard. But the next morning the body is gone! OH NOES! Chauffeur has the kid get $10k from his dads safe - We then find that Chauffeur and Sylvia are in cahoots! CAHOOTS!! Anyhow, the kid does the obvious thing and gets his tennis coach, Ed Begley Jr, to pretend to be a bad ass cop and really lay into Howard Hesseman. It's a good thing he has a really intimidating dude like Ed at his disposal. Also - Sylvia Kristel lets the kid know that even though she was in cahoots, she's still WAY into boning him. Then there's a car chase. And eventually we capture Howard Hesseman at the airport and get dad's money back. At the end the kid asks his teacher out on a date because he is now big pimpin.

This is a top notch weird fucking movie. I don't know how it ever got made, never mind having had a theatrical run. Great Boobs, unsettling plot, and a really swank 70's mansion. Total Package.