Monday, January 25, 2010


Paradise is a fanfuckingtastic pile of crap. It is a Blue Lagoon clone made a couple years later with a few key changes. Number one: Phoebe Cates. Brooke Shields is good and all, but what people really want is Phoebe Cates. Naked. A LOT. Number Two: Willie Ames. People want a well oiled, loin cloth wearing Willie Ames with occasional full frontal nudity. These two key changes are a fine foundation for this craptacular tour de force. We kind of fast forwarded through the first part of the movie, but it begins in some kind of desert market - I have no idea what happens but it results in a group of arab dudes chasing Phoebe and Willie through the desert. They outrun the arabs and Phoebe Cates takes a really long really naked shower. Eventually they find an Oasis in the desert and Willie builds them a goddamn split level ranch or some shit. Suddenly they have pots and pans, furniture, all kinds of stuff. And chimps. There are chimps in the desert. There is also grass and ocean and deciduous trees. Everyone gets naked some more and then the monkey makes fun of Willie for beating off. Then Willie and Phoebe wicked do it a lot. Next thing we know Phoebe is up the pole and the Arabs are back chasing them through the desert. Then the chimps have a baby, which is inexplicably a baboon. Uhm, so there is running and stuff and then Willie Ames kills the arab dude. After that they get to the ocean and see a city in the distance. Then Phoebe Cates sings the theme from Paradise and it is haunting. On a side note, teenybopper singer "Kaci" covered the theme in 2001. I loved this goddamn pile of shit.

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